By Robyn Gearey, LMSW
Adapted from my article, “When Parents Split” in the September/October 2024 issue of Arlington Magazine (read the full article here).
While there’s no way to prevent divorce from affecting children, there are ways to minimize lasting harm. Lisa Herrick, a D.C.-based clinical psychologist, says that while divorce is almost always sad for kids, it needn’t leave scars if parents handle it the right way. “I don’t minimize the impact of divorce—it’s huge,” she says, “but it’s important to know that you have the power to protect your children.”
One of the most important ways to do this is to minimize conflict. Studies show that conflict between parents causes chronic stress in children, which can result in behavioral issues, learning difficulties, and even physical health problems.
But while low conflict co-parenting is the ideal, it isn’t always possible. What’s best for the kids when the dynamic between parents is more volatile? This is where an approach called parallel parenting can be invaluable.
In parallel parenting, explains Andrea Andrews, a resident counselor at Seven Corners Psychotherapy, “one parent might have a totally different set of rules around bedtime, meals, and what they expect for academics or sports. For the other parent it might look totally different. But the kid at least knows what to expect. There’s consistency: This is how it is at Mom’s house; this is how it is at Dad’s house.
“I think a lot of parents feel pushed into co-parenting,” Andrews continues, “but there’s something to be said for parallel parenting for parents who are really high conflict. You don’t want to put children in the middle of that.”
Parallel parenting has worked well for Arlington mom Sarah, whose relationship with her ex is still strained several years after their divorce. “We rarely have to communicate aside from the occasional text or email,” she says.
Some families use apps like OurFamilyWizard that make day-to-day communication less stressful by providing family calendars, messaging tools and expense tracking so parents can share information in a neutral place.
Keeping transitions between parents calm and conflict-free is important too. Timing hand-offs around normal school drop-offs and pickups can help. Sarah, whose family follows a week on/week off parenting schedule, has found that Fridays are an ideal transition day for everyone. “Sundays were just too emotional,” she explains, “but everyone is happy on Friday afternoons.” The Friday switch also gives each parent a full weekend—either for activities with the kids or to relax on their own.
With parallel parenting, Andrews says, parents may not always know everything that’s happening in the other home—and that’s OK. Asking children to report back “can make the kids feel uncomfortable. It can also make the other parent feel like they’re under a microscope.”
What if your ex does something that pushes your buttons or reopens an old wound? Resist the temptation to criticize the other parent or share details about the split. “You’re going to have feelings, and not all those feelings are always going to be good,” Andrews acknowledges. “We have to really think about respecting and honoring ourselves, our co-parent, and our child by not airing and putting our feelings onto our kids.”
That doesn’t mean you have to swallow your emotions. Just choose your sounding boards wisely. That’s where working with a therapist experienced in the impacts of divorce can be invaluable.
Although it’s not what anyone hopes for when they get married, divorce is sometimes unavoidable. But it’s also survivable and can pay unexpected dividends as parents and kids adapt and grow. If parents are intentional and careful, the kids will be OK, too.
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