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Parenting is hard- and Recognizing Demand Avoidance (PDA) isn’t always straightforward 


By Melanie Froemke, LCSW, RPT-S, e-RYT


As a therapist, one of my strengths and passions is supporting parents of high-performing (often late-diagnosed) autistic kids, particularly those who have demand avoidant behaviors. 

To the untrained eye or unknowing parent, these behaviors can come across as difficult to understand and navigate, and sometimes, confounding and just downright maddening! 

As parents, we may feel judged by other parents, teachers, and really, by society in general… which can feel isolating and really, really difficult. Thankfully, with understanding and support, the good news is that this is avoidable. It doesn’t always have to be this way. 


Understanding what’s under the Behavior

PDA, or “Pathological Demand Avoidance,”or, in a less pathological lens, a “Pervasive Drive for Autonomy,” is the result of underlying anxiety that may result in some big behaviors and often seem like shut down. These kids may have received diagnoses like ADHD & depression (which might not fully explain the behaviors) or Oppositional Defiance Disorder, get in trouble at school/home/other settings. 

These kids (or adults, as well, in my own experience) are, as Dr. Naomi Fisher & Eliza Fricker coined in their recent book, When The Naughty Step Makes Things Worse, “pressure sensitive.” Regardless of diagnosis of Autism, a profile of PDA, or other diagnosis, these kids may not respond to conventional parenting. These kids may have a narrow window of tolerance (a term developed by psychiatrist Daniel Siegel), meaning that it can be more challenging to stay calm and navigate life’s stressors without losing our cool. This can be the result of genetics, current environment, and past experiences. In short, it’s both nature AND nurture. 

The lightbulb moment is often when we, as parents truly understand a few things:

  1. Children do well when they can (Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child).

  2. You’re not a bad parent.

  3. The relationship is more important than behaviors.

  4. You deserve love, acceptance, and self care, too. 

Even knowing this, demand avoidance can sneak up on us as parents. The gift is when we start to understand from a different lens. Let’s explore each of these helpful truths in a bit more detail. 


Children do well when they can:

If a child isn’t doing well- something is preventing them from thriving. Looking at a current behavior won’t tell us the REASON for the behavior. This is another reason why consequences for behavior often just don’t work. 

A child who feels safe, trusted, and respected can thrive. Pressure sensitive kids often look to equalize a relationship- whether with a parent or teacher- which is often just different. It takes us as the parent to advocate for our kids in a school setting, and also our own self-investigation as a parent to decrease demands, especially if we’ve been operating from an authoritarian, conditional parenting lens. 

The demand may not always be obvious. For example, I just fielded a call from parents concerned that their child isn’t doing homework anymore, specifically for an upcoming science fair. The parents asked, “Is this performance anxiety? Is this demand avoidance?” The answer to those questions? Maybe- I don’t know! Let’s investigate together. The demand may be anxiety around the outcome of an assignment- that alone can shut a kid down by a circle of anxiety chased by a low-wagging tail of self-blame and shame. Ugh. So hard! With that said, advocating for the child by providing teachers psychoeducation around demand avoidance can be helpful here. Perhaps establishing a different option for an assignment that feels less stressful and less “on display” can be an option instead. 


You’re not a bad parent.

“Are you going to let him get away with that?”

“There needs to be a consequence for that behavior.”

“Have you tried…?”

Other well meaning parents whose kids respond to conventional parenting may offer suggestions- I even once heard of a neighbor offering to stay in the house while the parent left in order for the child to “cry it out.”  

Let’s broadcast it to the world: Some kids respond very badly to traditional parenting. It just doesn’t work. While we might try mainstream parenting techniques, pressure sensitive kids don’t respond, and these techniques can make these kids feel bad- and in doing so, make our relationship worse. 

Additionally, we may need to shift our own expectations. While we may need to self-investigate where we are placing our own expectations on our kids (therapy for us as parents can help!), our kids may need something different than traditional school, a typical timeline from high school to college, or what we expected friendships to look like. 


The relationship is most important.

Establishing safety in the relationship allows a child to be met with what Carl Rogers, the founder of Humanistic therapy, named as unconditional positive regard.

Amen, Carl Rogers. 

Simply put, parenting with unconditional positive regard means that we show love for our kids even when they’re showing difficult behaviors. In fact, we might acknowledge that “children often show us how much they need love by engaging in their most terrible behavior (Fisher & Fricker, p. 81).” This can be an opportunity to re-connect and show our kids that we love them no matter what. If they get in trouble at school, for example, we don’t need to also punish them at home. They’re already receiving punishment in school - that’s enough. They need to know that we love regardless of mistakes- mistakes are growth opportunities, and we need to be their safe, unconditional home base. 

A friend of mine recently felt like she discovered this just in time- when her son was in high school before he moved out of the family home. Her expectations and societal norms led her to butt heads with her son constantly in high school- her fear was that her son wouldn’t get into college. Despite receiving accommodations at school and having a support system at the school to help, she would constantly check in on his assignments. The more she checked in on his assignments, the more he shut down. Thankfully, after attending therapy during his senior year in high school, learning about PDA, and shifting her expectations, she was able to put their relationship first. She accepted that her son’s path might not be a straight line to college- and that was ok- she was able to allow him to make choices for himself, equalize their relationship so that he had a say in his future, and he began to trust that she could accept that. As a young adult living in another state, he still has a relationship with his mom, with less demands and expectations placed on him. 


So what does pressure look like? How do I know if this is demand avoidance? 

Demands can come in different shapes & sizes. 

A client recently shared with me that she took her son on a trip to Florida. While there, her teenage son froze when she offered options of “fun” things to do. “We can go on a fishing tour, go to the zoo, or go on a hike tomorrow- but we need to plan it today so I can make reservations for tomorrow.” 

Her son replied, “I don’t know.” He climbed in bed in the hotel and stayed there. It was impossible to make plans. 

Having too many options shut him down. He was able to tell her later (on the flight home) that he didn’t want to disappoint her- and doing something felt like a demand of #1 deciding, and #2, having fun. Thankfully, this mom was able to shift her expectations, appreciate time together by just going out to breakfast (food always helps), taking a walk to see the town, and calling it a day. She was able to enjoy some time at the beach on her own so that she met her own needs (exercise and her desire to see the local area). 

For this teen, presenting options was just too overwhelming. Someone who thrives in structure and regularity may also have higher anxiety just by being on a trip. Often these kids, with a narrower window of tolerance, need to know the plan in advance and have a say in what to do. 


The child isn’t trying to be difficult- we can go back to my grounding advice to any parent - that behavior expresses a need. When we get frustrated as a parent, our job (above and beyond keeping our own cool & staying regulated), is to figure out what behaviors indicate. 

I love Dr. Naomi Fisher & Eliza Fricker’s acknowledgment in their recent book, When The Naughty Step Makes Things Worse, “We have a strange way of thinking about children’s behavior in our society. We tend to talk about it as something children do on purpose, without acknowledging the things that drive it.”


Finally, let’s acknowledge #4. You deserve love, acceptance, and self care, too. 

As a yoga teacher and a therapist, I often recount the Buddhist principle to my yoga students and therapy clients, “if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” 

Too often, parents forgo their own exercise, healthy eating habits, sleep, and pursuit of interests in order to parent their kids. When we have pressure sensitive kids,  it can feel like we can’t afford the time to take care of ourselves. In fact, it’s like the Zen analogy of a teacup- we can’t pour from an empty cup- we have to fill ourselves before we can give to others, our kids included. Building in time to move our own bodies, eat well, sleep enough, connect with others, and pursue our interests goes a long way to ensure that we can handle challenges in an effective way. 


Resources: 

Fisher, Naomi, Dr. & Fricker, Eliza. When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse. Parenting for Children (and Adults) Who Need Something Different. Robinson, 2024. 



 
 
 
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