When Your Reaction Doesn't Match the Moment: A Personal Reflection on EMDR

By Cindy Hanig, LMSW

Have you ever found yourself having a surprisingly strong emotional reaction to something, even when you couldn't quite explain why? Maybe you felt frustrated, anxious, or hurt by a situation that didn't seem to warrant such a big response.

Sometimes, our reactions have less to do with what's happening in the present and more to do with what we've experienced in the past.

I understood this concept as a therapist, but my own experience with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helped me appreciate it in a much more personal way.

Making Sense of a Reaction I Couldn't Explain

During my EMDR training, I had the opportunity to experience the process from the client's perspective. The training took place over several months, giving me time to practice, reflect, and continue exploring some of what surfaced in my own therapy.

One of the more meaningful things I explored was a reaction I'd been having for years but had never quite understood.

Whenever my husband took our children golfing or fishing, I would notice an immediate feeling of irritation, sometimes even anger. I couldn't really explain it. I told myself that maybe I was frustrated because he was choosing activities he enjoyed rather than something the kids might have chosen themselves.

But that explanation never fully sat right with me.

As I explored this reaction through EMDR, memories from my own childhood began to emerge.

Growing up, my father would sometimes bring me along while he pursued his own interests. I remember spending long stretches of time waiting around, often without much say in what we were doing or when we would leave.

One memory that stood out was from when I was learning to drive. I'd be excited to get behind the wheel, only to find myself sitting in a parked car while my father stopped for what was supposed to be a brief conversation. Those conversations could stretch on for 30 or 45 minutes. If I asked when we could leave, I was told to be patient or not to be rude.

Looking back, it wasn't necessarily about the waiting itself. It was the experience of feeling like my time, excitement, and preferences didn't really matter.

And suddenly, that familiar irritation I felt when my husband took our children fishing or golfing began to make more sense.

The important difference was that my husband wasn't recreating those experiences for our children. In fact, quite the opposite.

Our kids genuinely love spending that time with their dad. He's patient, engaged, and excited to share something he enjoys with them. He's not simply bringing them along while he does his own thing. He's creating opportunities for connection and shared experiences.

Intellectually, I already knew all of that. But those present-day outings had somehow become connected to an old emotional experience.

What made the experience so meaningful wasn't just understanding where my reaction came from. It was noticing that the reaction itself began to change.

That familiar flash of irritation no longer shows up in the same way. Instead, I feel grateful that our children have these experiences with their dad and genuinely enjoy sharing something special together.

The situation hadn't changed. But the way I experienced it had.

Why Can the Past Affect How We Feel in the Present?

Our brains are constantly making connections between past experiences and what's happening around us. Sometimes, a present-day situation can bring up emotions or reactions associated with an earlier experience, even when the circumstances are very different.

We may not consciously recognize that connection. We might just notice that our reaction feels bigger, more immediate, or harder to shake than we'd expect.

Of course, not every strong emotional reaction is rooted in the past. Sometimes, our feelings are telling us something important about what's happening right now. But approaching those reactions with curiosity can help us better understand what we're experiencing and why.

For me, EMDR provided an opportunity to explore that connection and experience a shift that understanding alone hadn't created.

So, What Exactly Is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a structured, evidence-based psychotherapy most widely recognized for its effectiveness in treating trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

At its core, EMDR helps people process distressing experiences that may continue to influence how they think, feel, and respond in the present.

During processing, a therapist guides the client in briefly focusing on a memory, belief, emotion, or body sensation while engaging in bilateral stimulation. This might involve following the therapist's fingers or a light bar with their eyes, alternating taps, or sounds.

EMDR isn't about forgetting what happened or changing the facts of an experience. It's about helping those memories feel less distressing and less disruptive to everyday life.

While the eye movements are often what people associate with EMDR, they're actually just one part of a much more comprehensive therapeutic process.

The process includes understanding a person's history, developing emotional regulation resources, identifying areas of distress, and collaboratively determining when and how to approach difficult material. Preparation, pacing, and a sense of safety are all important parts of the work.

What Does the Research Tell Us?

EMDR has a strong research base for treating PTSD and is recommended in major clinical guidelines, including those from the World Health Organization (WHO) and the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense (VA/DoD).

Researchers continue to explore exactly how EMDR works. One theory suggests that recalling a distressing memory while engaging in eye movements or another task places demands on working memory, potentially reducing the memory's vividness or emotional intensity.

While EMDR's benefits for PTSD are well supported, research into its specific mechanisms continues.

My experience is just that: one person's experience. It doesn't mean everyone will respond to EMDR the same way or that every emotional reaction has a clear connection to the past.

But it offers an example of how meaningful it can be when something we've understood intellectually begins to shift emotionally, too.

Could EMDR Be Helpful for You?

There are many reasons someone might consider EMDR therapy, and you don't need to have a clear understanding of what's behind your experiences or emotional reactions to begin exploring whether it might be a good fit.

Perhaps you've experienced a traumatic event that continues to affect you, or you've noticed certain situations bringing up strong emotions or reactions that are difficult to understand. You may also recognize patterns in your relationships or emotional responses that you'd like to explore further.

EMDR may be one approach worth considering. A trained EMDR therapist can help you explore your concerns, better understand your experiences, and determine whether this approach aligns with your needs and goals. The process should be collaborative, with attention to your individual needs, readiness, and comfort throughout the work.

One of the things I appreciate most about EMDR, both personally and professionally, is the opportunity it creates to approach our past with greater curiosity and compassion.

Sometimes, understanding why we feel something is an important first step. Other times, meaningful change comes when those feelings and reactions begin to shift.

For me, that has been one of the most meaningful parts of the experience.