Teaching Kids the Art of Repairing Relationships: A Parent's Guide to "Fixes"

by Leah Young, MSW

Teaching Kids the Art of Repairing Relationships: A Parent's Guide to "Fixes"

As parents, we all know the challenges that come with raising children, especially those who are working through emotional or behavioral struggles. It often feels like these kids demand so much from us—our time, energy, and patience. But what happens when their behaviors put a strain on relationships within the family? That’s where the idea of teaching kids the art of repairing relationships, or "fixes," comes in.

At River Grove Therapy, we believe that helping kids learn how to make amends is a crucial part of their healing journey. When children understand the value of fixing relationships, they build empathy, responsibility, and a sense of self-worth. Let’s take a closer look at how this works.

Why "Fixing" Matters

Children who struggle with emotional or behavioral issues can sometimes feel like their mistakes are proof that they're "bad" or that they'll never improve. This can lead to a cycle of shame and poor choices, making things worse for everyone involved. But when we focus on relationship repair, we show kids that mistakes are just bumps in the road—ones they can smooth out themselves (Frohock, Kirby, & Lyons, n.d.).

Introducing "Pushes, Pulls, and Fixes"

To help kids grasp how their actions impact others, we introduce three simple concepts:

• Pushes: Behaviors that hurt or strain relationships (like being disrespectful).

• Pulls: Actions that nurture and strengthen connections (like kindness or cooperation).

• Fixes: Steps to repair the damage done by a "push."

Timing is key here! You want to introduce these ideas when your child is ready to understand them—when they're beginning to see the value of give-and-take in relationships. If you jump in too early, both you and your child might end up feeling frustrated (Frohock et al., n.d.).

How to Teach a Strong Apology

One of the best tools for teaching kids to repair relationships is through a well-crafted apology. A good apology goes beyond just saying "sorry." It’s about taking responsibility and finding a way to make things right. Here’s a simple four-step process you can use at home (Siegel & Bryson, 2011):

1. "I am sorry for..."Help your child name the specific behavior that caused the problem. This teaches responsibility and accountability.

2. "The message I sent you was..."Encourage them to reflect on how their actions might have affected the other person.

3. "I would like to fix it by..."Guide them to come up with a plan to make things right. This could be a small gesture like doing a chore, writing a note, or spending time together.

4. "Will you please tell me if that will work?"Make sure the person who was hurt agrees with the fix, creating a sense of mutual understanding and closure.

   
   

Fixing in Action: What It Can Look Like

The fix doesn’t have to be complicated or drawn out—it just needs to show effort. Here are a few ideas for fixes that are simple but meaningful:

• Helping with a sibling’s chores

• Making a favorite snack for a family member

• Drawing a picture or writing a heartfelt note

• Spending time together in an activity the other person enjoys

For younger kids, it might be as simple as rubbing lotion on a parent’s hands or singing a special song. The key is that the fix should focus on restoring the relationship, not just making up for the behavior (Frohock et al., n.d.).

Building Stronger Connections

One of the biggest gifts we can give our children is the ability to repair relationships when things go wrong. When they see that fixing mistakes can bring them closer to the people they care about, they feel more empowered and less ashamed of their behavior. This not only helps them grow emotionally, but it also strengthens family bonds (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. With each fix, your child is learning that they have the power to heal and grow, and that they are capable of positive change.

If you’d like more support in teaching your child the art of relationship repair, reach out to us at River Grove Therapy. We’re here to help guide your family through the process of healing and growth!

References

Frohock, K., Kirby, P., & Lyons, J. (n.d.). Fixes: Teaching children the art of repairing relationships. The Attachment Institute of New England. https://www.attachmentnewengland.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Fixes-teaching-children-the-act-of-repairing-relationships-april-09-NEW.pdf

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.